Want to be the world’s worst tourist while vacationing in Hawaii? Have we got a list of things for you to do! **Keep in mind, this is a satire. We love Hawaii and hope you’ll pass on what you learn, as these things upset locals and travellers alike.**

First things first, you MUST harass the Hawaiian sea turtle. As protected animals, you could be fined for touching them or even getting too close to them. Don’t let that stop you. Follow them when you see them in the water. Touch them. Try to swim with them while holding their backs. Stand on them too! And because they are protected and feel safe enough to swim near the shores in Hawaii, there will be plenty of opportunity for you to do these fun things while looking like a total ass to the locals.

A sea turtle sleeping on a beach on the North Shore. Volunteers come by and set up rope, so that the protected turtles can be left in peace.

Whatever you do, make sure you step on the coral reef. Really try to hone in on the bright, colourful coral too. Your ultimate goal is to make sure that there is no colour and life left underwater. I don’t know about you, but it’s the best when all we can see is dead, brown coral and an absence of fish. Mask bothering you? Rest your feet right on the coral while you adjust your gear.  Tired of snorkelling? Don’t worry, there is lots of coral reef for you to plant your fins on while you catch your breath. If you really want to do some damage though, stand on the reef for awhile to really ensure its demise. This way, the fish have less food to eat. With less food, there’s no fish to see while snorkelling. So really, in the end, stepping on coral reef saves you from having to put on your gear and even get out there in the first place. Thank goodness! Who wants to snorkel at the picturesque hot spots like Hanauma Bay or Captain Cook’s Bay anyways, right?!

Don’t want to be the world’s worst tourist? Stay off the reef when snorkelling, so future generations can enjoy the area.

Feed the birds, chickens and feral cats. It’s really important we feed our crumbs to the creatures living in the wild. This way, they can rely on humans for survival. So, when the inevitable happens and the human race dies out, these feral cats and birds won’t survive either. Makes total sense. If we go down, let’s take everyone with us.

In Kauai you will find stupid chickens everywhere. Do not feed them.

Ride the same breaks that the locals do. One way to ensure you will get your head ripped off during your vacation in Hawaii is to not only hit up the local surf break, but take the waves at the same time as the pros. Amateurs and tourists getting in their way, that’s exactly what the locals want. I mean, they became pros somehow, right? Must have been from dodging tourists all this time. So keep at it and don’t let their angry scowls and aggressive surfing get in your way. They actually really love that you’re there in their way! And of course, if you do decide to surf anywhere other than the local breaks, hit up Waikiki. But don’t limit yourself to the actual surf breaks there, ride where all the big crowds of swimmers and tubers are. They’ll move. We are sure of it.

Make sure you’re not on the local’s break when surfing in Hawaii or you’ll be dubbed the world’s worst tourist. And watch out for others!

Show no regard for people’s things when you’re at the beach. In fact, step on their towels. Kick sand in their face. Set up a game of football, frisbee or sandcastle-making with your kids right on top of that couple that’s quietly minding their own business. They don’t care at all. Disrespect and disruption is exactly why people take beach vacations in Hawaii. It’s not at all for the relaxation and renewal.

Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to relax on the beach and people are running by,, walking on your towels and kicking up sand in your face? Us too!

Shop big brands like Coco Chanel and Prada, not the artsy mom-and-pop shops to support local businesses. Hawaiians love that you come to their land and support well-known, expensive name brands rather than spend your hard-earned dollars at their stores. They don’t want the money. And they certainly don’t want some sort of compensation for having tourists around 24/7. By supporting these big businesses, more come over to the islands, taking away the precious land and opportunities of locals. No worries though, that’s exactly what the Hawaiians want. Less land. Less history. Less money. More tourists. More #merica. So keep on, keepin’ on big spenders.

Leave garbage and belongings you don’t want all over the beaches and streets. Did your mom ever tell you to clean up after yourself? Well, if she did, ignore it because you don’t need to clean up after yourself in Hawaii. Leave your garbage on the beach. Leave your towels and floaties too. The tide will probably come up at some point and wash it away, which is perfect. The fish can swim with it and you won’t have to worry about it ever again. Now go enjoy the rest of your vacation! Leave the cleaning to all the suckers out there!

Only hike illegal trails. That coveted shot on Instagram is way more important than obeying the law and respecting the locals. You want to hike Stairway to Heaven? Go ahead! Don’t let guards, trespassing signs and fences get in the way. Run past the guards at night and climb through holes in the fences. Do whatever it is you need to do to get up to the top. The rules are not there to save you from dangerous hikes or anything. They are meant as a challenge. Don’t stop at Stairway to Heaven either. Anytime you see a “Do Not Trespass” sign, we triple dare you to hike there. No clear path? Make one. That whole philosophy of “Leave No Trace” is bogus. Responsible tourism is for hippies, right?!

We are all for hiking off-the-beaten trails, but we won’t trespass or destroy nature to find them.

**Please note: This is a satire. We are being completely sarcastic. We are huge believers in responsible tourism and the “Leave No Trace” argument and wish that more travellers would get on board with these ideals. The future of tourism is in our hands. Let’s make sure it’s around for generations to come.

When you travel, does it drive you crazy when people do these things? Let us know in the comments!

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How to be the World's Worst Tourist When Traveling the Hawaiian Islands